Giovanni Boldini: Conversation at the Café

I had arrived early for lunch, and so found myself listening to the conversation at the next table.

Two polished American women, one mature and the other in her twenties, were meeting for the first time. The younger woman was keen to establish her credentials with a quick trot through her resume.

‘Well, what can I say? I’m from Upstate New York, I was educated at Notre Dame and Columbia, and I’ve settled in London after studying at the LSE. I totally love the UK and I’m not going back. I’m in sports marketing now. I’m pretty self-confident, so it suits me.’

The mature woman remained silent, staring intently at her companion, her head inclined to one side. The younger woman continued.

‘When I first came to this city, I rented in Shoreditch. That was not good…’

She seemed suddenly distressed at the memory.

‘So I found myself in Kensington, which is fantastic. I tend to weekend in the Cotswolds. Heavenly. In fact, I had a birthday celebration there last weekend. It was quite indulgent actually. I hosted some girlfriends at a wonderful country house with a pool and a spa. On the Friday we dined at a cute country pub and then on Saturday we hired in a chef to cook dinner. We had such an elegant time.’

At this point the mature woman raised a hand.

‘Let me stop you there, Lauren. First of all, you should never apologise for spending your hard-earned money. It’s important for a woman to be ostentatious with her wealth.’

Lauren nodded appreciatively. I realised that I was witnessing a mentoring session.

‘Secondly, I notice that you’ve said “I am” a number of times. “I am American. I am self-confident. I am in sports marketing.”… Do not start any sentence with “I am.” It boxes you in, limits your horizons, constricts your growth. You should be whoever or whatever you want to be. You should always be the best advocate for yourself.’

Lauren looked a little puzzled, but gamely accepted the advice.

‘Oh, that’s really very helpful. Thank you so much.’

This exchange gave me pause for thought.

We’re all encouraged to do a little mentoring nowadays. I do some myself. It makes sense for people who have been down the road before, to highlight for the next generation the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. Mentors offer fresh perspectives, prompt self-awareness, build confidence.

But some mentors may be less relevant to contemporary tasks and careers. Some may have a very particular perspective. Some may talk well-intentioned gibberish.

If you’re looking for a mentor, you should not assume that old heads are wise heads; that all advice is good advice. You should choose carefully and listen critically.

The women continued with their discussion – earnest, intense, focused.

I was distracted over lunch. How on earth was I going to navigate the challenge of never saying “I am“ again?

‘Let me down easy,
Though your love for me is all gone.
Let me down easy,
Since you feel to stay is wrong.
I know it's all over,
Except the last goodbye.
Let me down easy,
When you pass by me.
Say hello once in a while,
When you pass by me, baby,
Does it hurt so much to smile?
We promised that we'd still be friends 'til the very end.
I'm begging you, baby, please, let me down easy.’

Bettye Lavette, ‘Let Me Down Easy’ (W Holloway)

No. 529

*Ruth Bader Ginsburg Photograph by Irving Penn / © Condé Nast 1993*

'I am a Brooklynite, born and bred, a first generation American on my father’s side, barely second generation on my mother’s. What has become of me could happen only in America. Neither of my parents had the means to attend college, but both taught me to love learning, to care about people, and to work hard for whatever I wanted or believed in.'
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I recently watched an excellent documentary about US Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (‘RBG’). It’s the story of an incredibly talented, resilient woman who overcame the odds, step-by-step, to help build a secure legal framework for women’s equality in the US.

Ruth Bader was born in 1933 in a working-class neighbourhood of Brooklyn, and earned the family nickname Kiki for being a ‘kicky baby.’ She was encouraged to take her education seriously by her beloved mother, who passed away just as she finished high school. She studied government at Cornell and married fellow student Martin Ginsburg a month after graduating. They had their first child in 1955, and subsequently both enrolled at Harvard Law School.

Soon, however, Martin contracted testicular cancer. Ruth found herself caring for her young daughter and convalescing husband, attending both his classes and her own.

This was challenging enough. But at Harvard Ruth also had to endure a hostile, male-dominated, environment. There were only eight other women in her class of more than 500, and on joining they were admonished by the Dean for taking the places of men.

When in time Martin recovered and graduated, the couple moved to New York so that he could take up a job as a tax lawyer. Ruth completed her degree at Columbia Law School, and was the first woman to be a member of both the Harvard and Columbia Law Reviews. In 1959 she graduated joint-first in class. And yet, when she went looking for work, she didn’t receive one job offer from a New York law firm.

'I was Jewish, a woman, and a mother. The first raised one eyebrow; the second, two; the third made me indubitably inadmissible.'

Ruth settled for a career in academic law, teaching at Rutgers University Law School and at Columbia. At Rutgers she was informed she would be paid less than her male colleagues because she had a husband with a well-paid job.

No surprise perhaps that Ruth gravitated towards the study and teaching of women’s rights. In most states at that time you could be fired for being pregnant; banks required a woman applying for credit to have their husband co-sign; marital rape was rarely prosecuted. Indeed hundreds of separate statutes across the country discriminated on the basis of sex.

‘The gender line helps to keep women not on a pedestal but in a cage.’

In 1972 Ruth co-founded the Women's Rights Project at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). Rather than seeking to end all gender discrimination at once, she determined to take it on one law at a time. As Director of the ACLU she challenged laws giving different access to housing benefits to male and female service members; different survivor benefits to men and women; different minimum drinking ages for men and women. She challenged a law enabling women to opt out of jury service. And more besides.

Methodical, precise, considered, Ruth gradually chipped away at the edifice of sex discrimination. She concentrated on winnable cases. Sometimes she represented male plaintiffs to demonstrate that gender discrimination harmed both men and women. She referred to gender rather than sex so as not to distract male judges.

‘I knew that I was speaking to men who didn’t think there was such a thing as gender discrimination. And my job was to tell them that it really exists.’

Between 1973 and 1976 Ruth argued six gender discrimination cases before the Supreme Court, winning five. This was a step-by-step revolution.

‘This opinion does mark as presumptively invalid a law that denies to women equal opportunity to inspire, achieve, participate in and contribute to society based on what they do.’

In the documentary Ruth’s children bear witness to her phenomenal stamina throughout this period. Sustained by coffee and prunes, she worked into the early hours every night, and was at court by 9-00 the next morning. At the weekend she slept.

Beyond working incredibly hard to achieve one’s goals, there are a number of lessons we can learn from Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She teaches us to be clinical and cool headed in the design and execution of strategy; to pick our battles; to fight them in the right order; and to be sure of winning. That way we will win the war.

I was particularly struck by Ruth’s working method. She was not a militant firebrand, given to marching and demonstrating. Rather she was serious and soft-spoken, cautious and careful, reserved and restrained. Her colleagues report that she didn’t do small-talk. She just focused on getting the job done.

'When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.'

Ask yourself this: Do you have an RBG in your office? Sitting silently, working diligently. Meticulous and methodical. Shy and self-effacing. The quiet achiever, the unsung hero.

What if she or he is being shouted down, pushed aside, managed and marginalised? What if the conversation is being dominated by the most vocal rather than the best qualified people in the room? Are you doing enough to ensure that the quiet achiever can still be heard?

'We have the oldest written constitution still in force in the world, and it starts out with three words, 'We, the people.''

In 1980 Ruth Bader Ginsberg was appointed to the US Court of Appeals, and in 1993 she became the second woman Justice on the US Supreme Court. In recent years, with liberal Justices in the minority, she has often been a dissenting voice.

Sadly Martin Ginsburg died of cancer in 2010. He and Ruth had been married for 56 years. In December 2018 Ruth, already a two-time survivor of cancer herself, underwent surgery for lung cancer. She was back on the Supreme Court bench eight weeks later. She has recently turned eighty-six.

Just over five feet tall; hair neatly tied back with a scrunchie; serious glasses; vintage earrings; silk shirt and scarf. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is asked how long she can keep going. With lips pursed, she pauses for thought.

‘I will do this job as long as I can do it full steam, and when I can’t that will be the time I will step down.’

Full steam ahead, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

No. 222

The Mystifying Mentor: Choose Carefully, Listen Selectively

The Quiet Achiever: Learning Lessons from RBG