The Mystifying Mentor: Choose Carefully, Listen Selectively
Giovanni Boldini: Conversation at the Café
I had arrived early for lunch, and so found myself listening to the conversation at the next table.
Two polished American women, one mature and the other in her twenties, were meeting for the first time. The younger woman was keen to establish her credentials with a quick trot through her resume.
‘Well, what can I say? I’m from Upstate New York, I was educated at Notre Dame and Columbia, and I’ve settled in London after studying at the LSE. I totally love the UK and I’m not going back. I’m in sports marketing now. I’m pretty self-confident, so it suits me.’
The mature woman remained silent, staring intently at her companion, her head inclined to one side. The younger woman continued.
‘When I first came to this city, I rented in Shoreditch. That was not good…’
She seemed suddenly distressed at the memory.
‘So I found myself in Kensington, which is fantastic. I tend to weekend in the Cotswolds. Heavenly. In fact, I had a birthday celebration there last weekend. It was quite indulgent actually. I hosted some girlfriends at a wonderful country house with a pool and a spa. On the Friday we dined at a cute country pub and then on Saturday we hired in a chef to cook dinner. We had such an elegant time.’
At this point the mature woman raised a hand.
‘Let me stop you there, Lauren. First of all, you should never apologise for spending your hard-earned money. It’s important for a woman to be ostentatious with her wealth.’
Lauren nodded appreciatively. I realised that I was witnessing a mentoring session.
‘Secondly, I notice that you’ve said “I am” a number of times. “I am American. I am self-confident. I am in sports marketing.”… Do not start any sentence with “I am.” It boxes you in, limits your horizons, constricts your growth. You should be whoever or whatever you want to be. You should always be the best advocate for yourself.’
Lauren looked a little puzzled, but gamely accepted the advice.
‘Oh, that’s really very helpful. Thank you so much.’
This exchange gave me pause for thought.
We’re all encouraged to do a little mentoring nowadays. I do some myself. It makes sense for people who have been down the road before, to highlight for the next generation the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. Mentors offer fresh perspectives, prompt self-awareness, build confidence.
But some mentors may be less relevant to contemporary tasks and careers. Some may have a very particular perspective. Some may talk well-intentioned gibberish.
If you’re looking for a mentor, you should not assume that old heads are wise heads; that all advice is good advice. You should choose carefully and listen critically.
The women continued with their discussion – earnest, intense, focused.
I was distracted over lunch. How on earth was I going to navigate the challenge of never saying “I am“ again?
‘Let me down easy,
Though your love for me is all gone.
Let me down easy,
Since you feel to stay is wrong.
I know it's all over,
Except the last goodbye.
Let me down easy,
When you pass by me.
Say hello once in a while,
When you pass by me, baby,
Does it hurt so much to smile?
We promised that we'd still be friends 'til the very end.
I'm begging you, baby, please, let me down easy.’
Bettye Lavette, ‘Let Me Down Easy’ (W Holloway)
No. 529